The Palace of Spinning Blades

 Three brothers are lost in a machine. The machine, with its spinning blades, determines which of the three is doomed to what fate.

One brother, the youngest, is doomed to leave the maze and inherit the kingdom. A woman lives within the labyrinth, and the eldest brother is doomed to live with her, all his days inside the machine. The middle brother is doomed to die in the machine, to be forgotten. But when it comes time for the middle brother to die, he climbs over the machine’s blades, and the youngest brother dies in his place. And when they come to the place where the woman lives, the middle brother steals her away leaving the eldest alone in the darkness. The middle brother escapes the maze, to live with his stolen bride in his usurped kingdom, and enjoy the shame of victory. But noone escapes the machine. Its size is infinite. Its agents are everywhere.

ghosts in the machine: the trickster

 (OpenAI's chatGPT machine learning thingo generated almost all of this class, and I mostly just edited it together.)

The Trickster

As a Trickster, you are a veritable virtuoso of deception and misdirection. With your cunning wit and nimble fingers, you can outsmart and outmaneuver even the most formidable of foes. Your clever tricks and elaborate illusions leave your enemies bewildered and confused, while your quick reflexes and agility allow you to escape danger with ease. Whether you're using your magic to deceive and mislead, or manipulating your surroundings to your advantage, you are a master of trickery and deception.

Ability Scores: Your Charisma should be your highest ability score, followed by Dexterity. Charisma is important for spellcasting and for your abilities that rely on deception, while Dexterity is important for your abilities that rely on agility and quick reflexes.

Hit Points
Hit Dice: 1d8 per Trickster level
Hit Points at 1st Level: 8 + your Constitution modifier
Hit Points at Higher Levels: 1d8 (or 5) + your Constitution modifier per Trickster level after 1st

Proficiencies
Armor: Light armor
Weapons: Simple weapons
Tools: Disguise kit, thieves' tools
Saving Throws: Charisma, Dexterity

Skills: Choose three from Acrobatics, Deception, Perception, Persuasion, Sleight of Hand, Stealth

Equipment:
You start with the following equipment, in addition to the equipment granted by your background:

    (a) two daggers or (b) a quarterstaff
    (a) a light crossbow and 20 bolts or (b) an unspecified number of darts, so many darts, more darts than you'll ever need
    (a) a dungeoneer's pack or (b) a burglar's pack
    Leather armor, thieves' tools and a disguise kit
    
Class Features:
Bag of Tricks: At 1st level, you gain access to the Minor Illusion cantrip. If you already know this cantrip, you learn a different wizard cantrip of your choice. You know the spells Disguise Self and Nondetection, and always have these prepared, and can cast these without using a spell slot.

 At 2nd level, You learn the following additional spells, they are always prepared, and you can cast them without using a spell slot: Grease, Shatter, and Silence.

 Charisma is your Spellcasting Ability for these Trickster Spells.

Cunning Action: At 2nd level, your quick thinking and agility allow you to move and act quickly. You can take a bonus action on each of your turns in combat. This action can be used only to take the Dash, Disengage, or Hide action.

Opening Gambit: At 4th level, You have a keen sense for danger and are able to react quickly when things turn to blows. You can add your Charisma modifier to your initiative rolls. When you roll initiative, you can switch positions with another willing creature within 30 feet of you, so long as you and that creature could reasonably have been able to move between these positions on your turns, ignoring opportunity attacks.

Uncanny Dodge: Starting at 5th level, when an attacker that you can see hits you with an attack, you can use your reaction to halve the attack's damage against you.

Simply Not Being There: At 7th level, you gain the ability to teleport short distances as a bonus action. This ability has a range of 30 feet and can be used once. You regain your use of this ability whenever you finish a short or long rest.

Unbelievable Resilience: At 8th level, You are difficult to catch and even harder to kill. You have resistance to bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing damage, and can use your reaction when attacked or when forced to make a Dexterity save to take the Dodge action, causing disadvantage on the triggering attack or save.

Spirit of Pure Chicanery:
 At 10th level, you gain the ability to transport yourself and others short distances instantly. As an action, you can cast the Dimension Door spell without using a spell slot. When you cast Dimension Door you can bring along additional creatures within 30 feet. You can bring as many creatures as your Charisma bonus. You can use this ability once per long rest.

 At 11th level, you gain the ability to turn invisible. As a bonus action, you can cast the Invisibility spell on yourself without using a spell slot. This effect lasts until you attack, cast a spell or end a long rest, with no duration. You can use this ability once, and regain your use of this ability whenever you finish a short or long rest.

At 12th level, You gain the ability to confuse and disorient your enemies. As an action, you can cast the Confusion spell without using a spell slot. This spell affects all hostile creatures within 30 feet of you, forcing them to make a Wisdom saving throw vs your Charisma spell save DC or become confused for 1 minute. You can use this ability once per long rest.

Subclass: The Fool

As a Fool, you are a master of deceit and manipulation cloaked in carefree revelry and frivolous fun. With your quick wit and playful spirit, you can entertain and amuse even the most jaded of souls, all the while concealing your true nature as a cunning and ruthless trickster. Your simple jokes and silly pranks bring laughter and joy to those around you, while your sly tongue and cunning mind deceive and mislead even the most perceptive of individuals. Though others may see you as a harmless jester, they would be wise not to trust you, for you are a dangerous and ruthless foe, skilled in the art of deception and manipulation. You may not be the most cunning or clever of individuals, but that does not concern you - for you are a master of carefree revelry and ruthless mischief.

Fool's Luck: At 3rd level, you have the ability to manipulate luck in your favor. You can reroll any of your failed ability checks, attack rolls, or saving throws, rolling a single extra die. You must use the new roll. You can use this ability a number of times equal to your Charisma modifier (minimum of 1) per long rest. If you roll a 1 on your Fool’s Luck die, you take 1d6 psychic damage.
    
Creature of Pity: At 3rd level, you gain the ability to manipulate the emotions of others. As an action, you can force a creature within 60 feet of you to make a Wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, the creature is filled with pity for you and will not attack you or target you with harmful spells or abilities for 1 minute.

Fool's Errand: At 6th level, you gain the ability to send a creature on a wild goose chase. As an action, you can force a creature within 30 feet of you to make a Wisdom saving throw vs your Charisma spell save DC. On a failed save, the creature must move in a random direction for 1 minute or until it is attacked or otherwise significantly inconvenienced. During this time, the creature will not attack or interact with any other creatures.

Fool’s Sympathy: At 9th level, whenever you miss with an attack that targets one creature, or when one of your spells or abilities that asks for a saving throw and targets one creature fails, you can choose another creature within range that the attack or effect can target. Repeat the attack or save against that creature, and resolve the effects as though they were a target of that attack or effect.

Vile Unchecked Descent into Chaos: At 13th level, you gain the ability to take a calculated risk to turn the tide of battle in your favor. As a bonus action, you can force all creatures within 60 feet of you to make a Wisdom saving throw vs your Charisma spell save DC. On a failed save, the creatures must attack the nearest creature (including their allies) for 1 minute.

Subclass: The Dart Master

As a Dart Master, you are a deadly assassin, striking fear into the hearts of your enemies with your precise and deadly darts. With your quick reflexes and agile movements, you can effortlessly dodge and weave through the battlefield, unleashing a hail of deadly missiles on your foes. Your cold, calculating demeanor belies a ruthless and efficient killer, striking without warning and leaving no survivors. Your mastery of the dart allows you to take down even the most formidable of enemies with ease, making you a feared and respected opponent on the battlefield. You are a deadly predator, stalking your prey with the skill and precision of a true master of the dart.

Dart Virtuoso: At 3rd level, you can throw two darts as a single attack, and you can add your Charisma modifier to the damage of each dart you throw. You can use darts to make ranged weapon attacks with a range of 40/120 feet.

Really Good at Darts: At 6th level, your darts are considered magical for the purpose of overcoming resistance and immunity to non-magical attacks and damage. On a turn where you take the Attack action, you can throw two darts as a bonus action.

Mosquito Style: At 9th level, your darts develop an unquenchable vampiric thirst. Whenever you roll a 1 on a damage die for a dart attack, you can recover 1d4 health.

I Only Need One: At 13th level, You can unleash a devastating strike with a single dart. As an action, you can make a ranged weapon attack with a dart against a creature. This also spends your bonus action. This dart attack has an additional +10 bonus to the attack roll and deals 10d4 piercing damage on a hit as well as 5d4 psychic damage. If the target is hit by this attack, it must make a Constitution saving throw against your spell save DC or be stunned until the end of its next turn. In addition, the target must make a Wisdom saving throw against your spell save DC or be frightened of you until the end of its next turn. Creatures that are immune to the frightened condition that fail this save are frightened as though they were not immune.

ghosts in the machine: cornerman

this text generated with ai.  https://chat.openai.com/chat

In the corners of rooms, you'll find A shadowy creature, elusive and sly The cornerman is its name A creature of fear and dread, it is known to cause pain

With glowing eyes and a twisted face It only appears from the corner of your gaze Invisibility is its game Manipulating its surroundings and driving you insane

It feeds on your fear, and will torment you with noise But with its illusionary abilities, it'll make you see things that are not real A fear aura surrounds it, making you uneasy and afraid

Despite its shadowy appearance, it's incredibly strong With a challenge rating of six, it won't be overcome easily But if you're brave, and ready to face The cornerman, a creature of fear, in this dark and eerie place.

Size: Medium
Type: Undead
Hit Points: 80
Armor Class: 16
Speed: 30 ft.

Abilities: Strength 16 (+3), Dexterity 18 (+4), Constitution 14 (+2), Intelligence 12 (+1), Wisdom 14 (+2), Charisma 12 (+1)
Saving Throws: Intelligence +3, Charisma +3
Skills: Stealth +9

Damage Immunities: Poison
Condition Immunities: Charmed, Frightened, Paralyzed, Petrified, Poisoned, Unconscious
Senses: Darkvision 60 ft., passive Perception 12
Languages: Common, any one language it knew in life

Challenge Rating: 6

Special Traits:

• Invisibility: Only visible from the corner of the eye.
  Illusionary abilities: Can create illusions and hallucinations.

Actions:

• Claw Attack: +9 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 13 (2d8 + 4) slashing damage.

• Fear aura: Can radiate a fear aura in a 30-foot radius. Creatures within this radius must make a Wisdom saving throw (DC 14) or be Frightened for 1 minute.

rules of thumb: combat maneuvers and blasting with items

there are three kinds of combat maneuvers:

1. little, simple maneuvers that aren't as good as an attack. these you can do for free as well as an attack. they dont matter really, who cares.
2. middley, normal maneuvers that can replace an attack. so you roll to hit, or the enemy makes a save, and you get the effect of the maneuver instead of the damage of the attack.
3. big maneuvers, or blasts, which deal damage as if they were an attack, with some additional effect, which is probably greater than that of a normal attack, something like a spell effect. the cost is more than an attack, and the effect is more than an attack
   

 so for example, if youre trying to steal an object, if it's a purely cosmetic or largely useless object, i'll let you treat that as a simple maneuver and also make an attack on your turn, because who cares, its fine. if you’re stealing a weapon or something useful, thats a normal action and it replaces an attack. If you want to destroy the enemy's item or sunder their armor or something as your action in combat, that's a blast and it uses some special rule for that case.

so for a system where all blasts need to be one rule, let it be this:

you can blast if you have an object or ability that can be used to blast. mark one use of that thing (or use it up if it doesn't have uses). you roll a save. if you succeed, you do big (d12 or whatever) damage to the target and you get the improved rider, the cool big effect you want. if you fail, you do normal damage to the target (d6 or whatever), the rider has no effect, and take a d4 ability damage to that save.

if it doesnt need to always be the same rule, then, you know, various degrees of this thing.

but the real point of this post is to propose the silly mode version of this rule, so if youre not ready to comprehend the Knights and Knaves Auxiliary Miscellaneous Toolkit, turn back, traveller.

so like, obviously you can use this rule for spell-like items, but the secret real thing is you can blast with any item. so like, blast with your rope: guy gets tied up. blast with your torch: shit's on fire. blast with your ration: gets the effect of a short rest. now we're really Dungeons and Dragonsing. please make use of this secret knowledge.

rules of thumb: challenge rating

 something i noticed with Bigby, in fifth edition, a CR2 creature is roughly equivelant to a 5th-level player character.

generally when im making something with stats i don’t assign a challenge rating because i dont really trust challenge ratings to indicate anything, but i’ve had this rare glimpse where im like, oh CR2 isnt like level 3, it’s like level 5, which is maybe going to play into my own mythology about how things are from now on

something i’d like to believe is that the character levels indicate rank in some military structure (so that level 3 characters are suitable to lead level 2 characters and level 1 characters are suitable to lead level 0 characters and so on), call that the rule of governance or whatever, i dont neccessarily simulate the tree of guys that your guy is standing on, but they’re there in potentia

i think in the past ive been too excited for doing all the population math to no end, like having the dice tell you there’s 3 cobblers in a town im not totally sure what adventure hook that is (its a classic three cobblers situation)

but supposing the rule of governance is true and meaningful and also that the adventure tops out at like level 8 (as adventures im familiar with tend to do)

then a CR2 creature is like, the king of most adventure sites (the king is like level 5, hes the guy who leads the guy who leads the guy who leads the guy who leads the guy who leads the guy)

im not sure what that does for my simulation, i mostly don’t imagine a CR2 creature as strong enough personage for that kinda leadership, in my other reckoning a CR2 guy is sort of a mid level mook, leader of a warband (12 guys or something)

so i think either thing could be true and it bothers me because it interferes with my delusion about a unified theory of the game

the zero reader

 so a lot of my posts here get 0 comments and its been that way sort of the whole time

this doesnt bother me terribly because i dont really care to read comments and enjoy talking to myself, ive run various potemkin blogs on all parts of the internet for something like 20 years now, and wouldnt know what to do with comments if i did have them, but it leads me to that perennial question of who the thing is for, the essential question of what to optimise for

for example when you write a thing, what should you assume the reader is familiar with, like for this blog...

should you assume theyre familiar with fifth edition dungeons and dragons? should you assume theyre familiar with basic/expert dungeons dragons? should you assume theyre familiar with the post you just read on a more-widely-read blog, or the post you wrote on this blog last week? should you assume theyre familiar with a sort of greatest hits of whatever you think are the dnd ideas of the past while? the greatest hits of the blog youre posting on? 

and like its the internet, so the real answer is, you can put hyperlinks and whatever but i think there are various approaches to consider

ASSUME THEY KNOW EVERYTHING

like they read everything i’ve read and everything i haven’t, and can supply all the same information im familiar with and even fill in the blanks where i’m pretending to know thing i don’t. this is nice because you can take on the role of the know-it-all dm and spew out apocryphal nonsense with the assumption that they know and can use all of the stuff you can put down, which is a very self-assured style and lends itself a certain brevity. But if the reader knows everything theres really no reason to tell them anything because they know it all already.The other problem with this style is even i dont know what i know, so its a style of writing that doesnt even work for a reader who is me.

ASSUME THEY KNOW NOTHING

so the best dnd player, it's someone that hasnt heard of dnd before. you're introducing them to the game, to the concept of roleplaying, this is someone who doesnt know the tropes, who doesnt have an existing edition that they prefer, so you can map your image of dnd right onto their brain, and then they'll have to like it. give me a child up to the age of four and i'll something soemthing whatever that quote is. but you can't really imagine that this person is an ideal reader of your dnd blog, because that person does not read dnd blogs. but similarly the best ideallest reader of your dnd blog might be someone who reads your blog only and absorbs the ideas presented therein as though in a vacuum. i dont think anyone is this reader. but this mode of writing can be more like fiction where you construct the world and need never refer to any other text from outside it. and it would be internally consistent, and scopable. but for each post to work in a vacuum without the entire corpus of all other writing youd have to do a pretty bloody good job of explaining the thing you're talking about and that requires i guess either incredible skill at explaining things in the space allotted or exhaustive definitions of everything which either way seems a bit shit

ASSUME THEY KNOW JUST ENOUGH

so this is the right way to do it, i don't know what this would mean exactly. but it's a little from either column, assuming the things that feel safe to assume and explaining the things that want explanation, putting hyperlinks to cover your ass, but getting it exactly right. just get it exactly right, its easy.

ASSUME COMPATIBILITY

that is, assume there's some version of the game that is 100% compatible with all other texts no matter how obtuse. then your text is compatible with that version of the game. The only problem with this style is that the game is not compatible with itself and you're only pretending it is. And the version of the game youre imagining will drift over time and fail to match the version the reader is assuming. So you ask the reader to do the work. And I'm not super comfortable with that because i've been that reader and I'm not really sure if 've comprehended those texts or not.

ASSUME INCOMPATIBILITY

I don't know what this one would mean, seems like nonsense. Who's writing this garbage. I guess you could try to catch incompatible cases and incorporate them back in, but there are so many versions of the game that it seems silly to extend the text so far.  You'd lose your own intention. so really you gotta work within the game you are imagining and not some hypothetical allgames however tempting that might be.

THE ZERO READER

anyway the point i think is if there are no notes you can operate in any or all of these modes at different times, the advantage of having a blog that noone reads, or perhaps noone reads, is it doesnt matter who the reader is and they can be whoever you wish them to be and think whatever you wish them to think (although admittedly you still have to imagine them as someone who does not respond). Until the reader reveals themselves to have some idea or think some thing they can exist in the superposition of knowing whatever you need them to know at the time, and this makes no demand on you whatsoever

Bigby “the Hand”

There's not a lot of cohesive themes for a spellcaster that the game supports with out-of-the-box spells that just fit, like you definitely can be the fire guy and you can be the illusions guy sort of, and you can flavor the spells to fit your concept, but if you want to be the lightning guy the spells are a bit shit, generally you end up with a guy who can do all sorts of things, that don’t all match each other. 

But one guy the game has always supported is the hand guy, and thats … fucking… dumb… but you can do it. And its clearly because one of the guys in Gygax’s campaign thought it was a fun concept and it just sort of got grandfathered in. But who is this guy Bigby, and what’s his deal? Well whenever I read into the histories of all the dudes in Greyhawk it’s revealed that none of that stuff is all that interesting or relevant to my game, and the guy I was imagining was better anyway, so let’s try to reverse engineer a guy who fills the gloves, instead.

So my ultimate goal here is to flesh out all the material you would need if you wanted to play Bigby in 5e from first level to whatever level he needs to be to be THE TRUE BIGBY of legend. I’ll crush him down into some statblocks that are 5e monsters, so he can be a villain in a campaign. And hopefully along the way I’ll give you enough juice to want to field this guy. What is the deal with the hand guy? 

My intuition is to make a caster who’s not terribly good at magic, and whose interest in magic is basically as a means to an end - and that end is making extra hands to do extra things with. The hand is a perfect implement for most any task he is willing to imagine. So we do not really need spellcasting beyond this, and we would not wish for it. This suggests a Arcane Trickster rogue -this would grant us Mage Hand Legerdemain at third level, which is a clearly better version of Mage Hand, which was always going to be our first choice of spells. I dont think any self-serious Bigby would be without the Mage Hand Legerdemain, because the idea that some other caster is using Mage Hand in ways that he cannot would frustrate this Bigby. But he can’t go all the way to 20th level with Arcane Trickster Rogue, because the spell, Bigby’s Hand, is a 5th level spell, and the arcane trickster is a half caster so it never gets to 5th level spells. But we can know that it’s three levels of Arcane Trickster at least, so why not start with that. 

So our Bigby starts out as a petty criminal, makes a name for himself as an ambidextrous pickpocket and picklock, kind of a scrawny guy, sticks to the back, good if you need someone to open a safe, cheats at cards. People start calling him “The Hand”, becomes sort of infamous. He’s a manipulator, rises through the ranks as a smuggler, he’s a regular. Relies on underlings too much, ultimately is betrayed too many times, decides to become more self-sufficient, turns to magic. So the monster version of that guy looks like:

Bigby, Cunning Manipulator

Medium Humanoid, Unaligned

Armor Class 15 (chain)

Hit Points 35 (5d8 + 10)

Speed 30 ft.

STR        DEX        CON        INT        WIS        CHA
10            20 (+5)    14 (+2)    16(+3)    13 (+1)    14 (+2)

Skills Perception (+3), Stealth (+6)
Expertise Sleight of Hand (+10), Persuasion (+6)
Condition Immunity charmed
Senses Passive Perception 13
Languages Common, Thieves' Cant

Challenge 2 (450 XP)

Improved Mage Hand Legerdemain. When he casts Mage Hand, Bigby can make his spectral hand invisible, and can use it to stow or retrieve an object the hand is holding in a container worn or carried by another creature, and can use it with thieves' tools to pick locks and disarm traps at range.
Bigby can perform these tasks without being noticed, if he succeeds on a Sleight of Hand check vs that creature's Perception.
Bigby's Mage Hand can be used to make attacks (hand crossbow/dagger) on targets Bigby can see, or to deliver touch spells.

Actions

Multiattack. Bigby makes two attacks with daggers and/or hand crossbows.

Dagger. Melee or Ranged Weapon Attack: +7 to hit. reach 20/60 feet, one target. Hit: 7 (1d4+5) damage.
Hand Crossbow. 

Ranged Weapon Attack: +7 to hit, reach 30/120 ft, one target. Hit: 8 (1d6+5) damage.

Spellcasting. 

Bigby casts one of the following spells, using Intelligence as the spellcasting ability (spell save DC 13):

At will: mage hand, chill touch, shocking grasp
2/day each: charm person, puppet
1/day: hold person, spider climb

• 
  

Bonus Actions

Cunning Distraction. Bigby can use a bonus action to Dash, Disengage, Help, Hide, interact with an object, use Mage Hand Legerdemain, or make a weapon attack. If he has a Mage Hand active or casts a spell on his turn, he can Hide even if only lightly obscured, and gains advantage on any check (not attack) made as part of this bonus action.

Reactions

Uncanny Dodge. When an attacker Bigby can see hits him with an attack, he can use his reaction to halve the attack's damage against him.

So I think that works fine for a low-level Bigby. I'd put him in a group of regular thugs and not mark him as special until he starts doing weird stuff. Have him try to steal something from the party and escape unnoticed. A reasonably well-equipped party will still obliterate him but this is the plight of all creatures with hit points. I think he can maybe stick it out a couple rounds, if he has help, and I think he sort of has a reasonable chance of escaping to become a recurring villain or someday invent the spell Bigby's Hand, which is probably the goal here.

To even cast that spell, he can't be a straight Arcane Trickster, and needs to stick nine levels in Wizard, or Sorcerer, or Artificer. This puts us well beyond any spellcaster I’ve personally ever played, but Bigby, at this point in his career, I suppose, is determined to unlock the fifth level of hand magic. To do less would be insufficient. So this later Bigby is at least a 12th level character, and a spell researcher, and a single-minded one, at that. So this is, I guess part 1 of a longer Bigby mythos, so expect more parts to follow.

Malwardin’s Grapnel (a spiderman spell)

 Malwardin’s Grapnel (level 1 conjuration spell)

Casting Time: 1 bonus action.

Target: creature, object or surface you can cast a line to within 60ft.

Duration: until the end of your next turn.

The caster sends forth a length of sturdy silken rope from their open palm, with a grapnel on the end which holds fast to the target. A targeted creature may make a dexterity check to dodge out of the way of the grapnel (in which case it will hit whatever is behind that creature, if possible), or a dexterity or strength check as an action on their turn to detach the grapnel. The grapnel does not require a particularly suitable target and holds onto a sheer featureless wall as well as to a suitable handhold.

While the grapnel is attached, the caster can expand or contract the rope as a free action on their turn, pulling themselves towards the target (if the target is larger, or sturdier, and spending their movement to do so) or pulling the target towards them (if the target is smaller, or of a similar size, and can be pulled). A targeted creature may make a save to detach the grapnel on each pull attempt after the first, and the caster must spend their own movement at twice the usual rate in order to pull an unwilling creature. The rope is strong enough to hold the weight of two creatures (of the caster’s weight or similar) at either end. The caster may detach the rope at either end at will.

 

ok, so i've written this out as this 5e-style spell, i'm pretty sure its balanced but im not sure its good. 5e style you get sort of bogged down with exceptions and the spell sort of ends up written backwards. i think the fun central idea of this is "there should be a spell that lets you swing around like youre spiderman, or grab a guy like youre scorpion from mortal kombat," 5e has web and thorn whip and spider climb already, and a character can carry a grappling hook and a rope anyway, so its hard to find a niche here, maybe it should be a cantrip. but there should be a spell that lets you swing around like youre spiderman, or grab a guy like youre scorpion from mortal kombat